Content?

I (Salyna) have hesitated writing a personal thought type post for awhile and I guess now is the time. I am kind of throwing around the idea of creating a second blog that would be personal thought orientated instead of family news & pics.

It has seemed strange to me how much my mom's death has really affected me and maybe strange isn't the right word. It just feels strange I guess because I have never had a mother die before. Not only was she my mom, she was my friend. We had been through SO many things together, literally and figuratively. And it's very strange to not have her going through THIS with me. Does that even make sense??

(Point Loma - San Diego, California)

It has been six months and I'm still waiting for her to call, it seems like it has been SO long. The last time I saw her was this time last year when she made her one and only trip to Kansas. In fact, she left to go home on this date. Waiting in the airport...I can still see her looking at me and smiling through her sadness, wishing she could stay. I have a similar picture of what she might have looked like entering Heaven... smiling through the sadness, wishing she could stay. I know with all my heart that the Lord's timing is perfect.

I have worked with people who were dying. I have stood beside the bed of a few as they took their last breaths. I have had friends die, grandparents die, and my brother too. Each death has changed me in some way... changed what I have thought about death. My mom's death is different in some way and I'm not sure I can even explain it. My heart just breaks at the thought that my kids may feel this way one day when their mom dies... and their mom is ME!
Again, strange....

I think that being six months pregnant when she died was a huge blessing but is also part of this strangeness. While I was pregnant I had something amazing & life-changing to look forward to, to focus on... then Lincoln was born and that was gone. It was like she died all over again. Needless to say it didn't take long for postpartum to kick in and my wonderful husband to take me to the doctor for meds! :) So maybe I am just now really beginning to grieve?

The life of the Apostle Paul has really been on my mind lately. He wrote a lot about contentment. I have yet to do a full study on this topic, but I think that may be where I'm headed. Paul learned to be content in his circumstances. He was not content because of his circumstances. What a huge lesson! Paul was only able to be content because of his faith in Christ. He was content because he understood that God's grace was sufficient. For Christ he was content.
My mom's death is no doubt a lesson in the course of contentment.
I miss you Mom!